Cold Springs--From the makers of Duct Tape comes the ultimate in pet pest control, the all-new ZombieCat Flea Protection.

“I first got the idea for ZombieCat when I put stickers and tape on my cat’s fur just for kicks,” says Ima Astoopid, inventor of ZombieCat. “She would wear her tongue out licking at those stickers and tape, but I found that the adhesive of transparent tape and masking tape was less than satisfactory. Fluffy has a pretty vicious tongue, and whatever medium I used needed to be pretty durable. So I wrapped the cat entirely in Duct Tape because, well, just because. She looks cute like that. Then I got to thinking, wouldn’t this be great flea control?”

How does ZombieCat work?

“The layer of impenetrable tape provides a barrier between your pet and blood-sucking pests. The inspiration for the name ZombieCat came from the fact that the cat looks mummified upon application of the pest control product,” says ZombieCat Chairman Chokura Furr. “The invention really turned out to be much better than we ever envisioned. Not only are cats virtually hairball-free, but also can be run through any car wash without risk to health. No more claw-marks from bathing your cat. Just some dish soap and a good pressure washer and you’ve got a clean, presentable pet again.”

“We’re still brainstorming on the infinite possibilities of ZombieCat,” says Ida Servatension, obscure member of the ZombieCat Board of Directors. “There’s talk about lining the tape with lead to protect the pets from harmful radioactive materials… AND the lead-lined tape would be the pet-equivalent of a bulletproof vest, which opens up several possibilities of some kind of union between pets and law-enforcement officials. Instead of endangering the lives of people in sensitive situations where gunplay is involved, we could use specially-trained cats to do the job.”

“You’re really going to train cats to do police work?” responded our reporter, who prefers that her name not be associated with this column in any shape, form, or fashion, under any circumstances whatsoever.

“No, I’m not going to do it, but if law enforcement officials want to consider this, I think that ZombieCat Pet Products would certainly be helpful in doing so.”

With ZombieCat Pet Products just recently made available, our reporter interviewed several pet owners about their experience with ZombieCat Flea Control.

“I’m gonna sue,” says Ivanna Yurmonny. “Since I started using ZombieCat, Tinkerbell hasn’t been his old frisky self. I had to elevate his food bowl because he couldn’t bend his neck. And he can’t scratch properly to cover up his soiled litter box. Tink is only 9 months old. He should be doing these things for himself. I could see how it might be different if he was about 18 or 20, but like I said, he’s only 9. He can’t walk either. He can’t chase rats or bugs or nothin’.”

“What about if the makers of ZombieCat could come up with a device that would enhance your pet’s mobility, like a battery-powered wheelchair for cats or something like that? Would that change your opinion of ZombieCat Products?”

“You think they’ll really do that?”

“I don’t know, Mrs. Yurmonny. I’m just sayin’…”

“I suppose I’d keep buying ZombieCat if Tink had a wheelchair and a wheelchair-accessible litter box.”

“I love ZombieCat and wouldn’t use anything else,” says Gladys Might. “My cat Simon fell from the seventh floor of our apartment building and clothes-lined himself on both the fifth and third floors, but thanks to ZombieCat, Simon just bounced twice on the pavement and into the dumpster. Some neighbor’s kid fished him out, and he’s doing just fine.”

“I notice you have Simon here with you. Does he always look like that?” asked our reporter.

“Oh, he’s asleep. But he’s just fine. Thanks to ZombieCat!”

“Do you think, Mrs. Might, that ZombieCat Pet Products puts your pet in any danger?”

“Why, no, I certainly don’t! I mean, Simon has never been all that graceful, and admittedly, it’s a bit more difficult for him to get around with ZombieCat Flea Protection on, but still, it’s worth it to be pest free!”

ZombieCat is available now wherever slightly-less-than-average pet products are sold.

“As part of our special introductory offer, we’ve made small pet coffins available free with purchase of one month’s supply of ZombieCat,” says Chairman Chokura Furr. “It’s all part of the Mummy thing. They make great pet beds and come in a variety of styles and colors.”

“That was my idea,” commented Ida Servatension, obscure board member.