3.5.03

I think if Freud were still alive, we'd have some interesting conversations. Well, if he knew me.

Last night, probably due to thinking about a friend having acquired a job in Dallas at a gaming company, I was thinking about Dallas. So I went to sleep and I dreamed that I was in Dallas with the family, that is... mom, dad, and maybe my 2nd brother and my sister. I dreamed I was sitting at a bench, and it was warm. I was wearing shorts. In my head, there seemed to be a communication going with my 1st brother, who lived in Oregon... except Oregon was Maine in the dream... We called it Oregon, but it was located in Maine. And he was living on a point called Initiative, that was a high snowy mountaintop, and he was wrapped up in a "tropical" snow storm. When I thought about him, I only saw him snowed in... not the pretty falling kind of snow, but the thick, white, nothing-else, mile after mile of frozen stuff, cold as hell, kind of snow. He said he could not get off of Initiative, and I wondered if I looked on a map, where would that be. Meanwhile, back in Dallas... someone put a letter in my hand. It was a small smooth creamy envelope, the kind that hold thank you notes and birthday invitations. I opened it up, and it was a letter from my brother. It was attached to a piece of junkmail from a company that was promoting religious values (see earlier journal entry, probably much to do with that). I thought maybe my sister had recommended his name. In the letter, my brother was asking that we didn't send him things like this, and he told us his beliefs. I sat down to write him a letter, using antique furniture as words... and I had four tables covered with satin bedspreads full of rows of small antique furniture. But I understood every word. I was telling him how I felt about religion, and wondering if he was going to start speaking to me.

I remember seeing mom and she was chipper and energetic... and then I went behind a wall and saw mom lying in a small baby carrier. She looked weak and sick. I asked which one was my real mother. They pointed to the one in the baby carrier.

I remember that the one thing I really hated about Dallas (and this isn't true) were the tall bridges that went up so high in the sky that they took my breath away. I knew if I lived there,I'd have to cross that bridge every day, and it was so tall and skinny and what if I ran out of bridge?

Then we were on the road with Dad driving. He was about to drive into oncoming traffic. He was following a line of traffic where people in their cars were fighting. We were looking for a place to stay for the night. Dad said that we had to wait behind so he could check on a room. He said if they didn't know we were there, he'd get a better rate. He walked up the steps to the hotel, and the man there knew to go look for us. My brother (who is not my brother but was in the dream) began to get upset, to convince the men to give us a room. He spoke to Dad, but dad wasn't responding. The men listened to Dad, and he wasn't breathing. They went along with my brother, but I was confused because I had two mother and my father was dead.

3.4.03

strange somewhat voyeuristic dreams last night. FORTUNATELY not involving anyone I know. *whew*

2.23.03

Okay, I might be darting all over the place in the telling of this... but I'll try to put it in order.

It was another strange monster nightmare. And I'm not entirely clear, the more I wake up, as to what happened. I think the vampires were going bad. Not on their own, but the whole community was being turned into a bunch of untrustworthy monsters. (Seems like they were being made to eat brains... by some other kind of monster who took over the vampires.) They were hideous in form and very devious. Everywhere you looked was chaos, and we were hidden in our homes, trying to hide from them. I remember seeing the monsters, and knowing that they were continuously trying to breed a meaner and meaner monster. I was trying to paint watercolors while the family was watching a Bruce Willis movie. The house was enchanted, and the tea pots and stacks of plates kept talking, dishing out advice (no pun intended) and cooing softly at our misfortune.

I can remember, too, climbing through a shaft and running from one monster, knowing he was right behind me... knowing no matter where I turned, he'd be right behind me. But then it was like watching it on t.v., and it kept replaying. And it seemed like every fear we felt of what was real because another episode in this Bruce Willis t.v. series.

I was outside looking up. The cat climbed the ladder to the upstairs room and went in the window. I watched her go up, sit on the bed and look at the crib and my son. I saw my son talking to the thing in the small baby crib, and he took a knife and cut himself across the chest. Then I saw it in stitches, and he had a cut on his lip, too. When he came out, I asked if he was okay, how he cut his lip, and what about that scar on his chest. I had a feeling that he'd been under the power of the thing in the crib. He kept saying he was alright.

We were riding down a river in a boat, and my brother was driving. I noticed we'd left the main water and were back into flood area, and I wasn't sure where we were headed. Then the small river turned into a long bridge, and there were the hills that go up and down... there were wide gaps in the boards. It was the kind of bridge that always makes me really nervous. I noticed we were in a truck at that time. Then my neice said, "there's something weird about this bridge," and I had a funny feeling, too. Sure enough, we topped a hill, and at the top of the next one was no more bridge. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had where we ran out of bridges. So, he put the truck in reverse and punched the gas, and we went back, back, back in a hurry. I was worried that it would be too easy to lose control and go off the bridge, but he seemed to be pretty good at it.

We were riding through traffic in a city, and up ahead were giant masses of balloons floating in air. As they balloons masses were released, all of the balloons scattered and slowly drifted down to the cars below. Some of them contained candy and presents. I reaced up and grabbed a few interesting ones. I passed some around to my neices and sister and kids, who weren't paying attention. Then we were on a train, and I was trying to find my small bag of pink candy. The kid next to me was staring at me, and I thought that he'd dropped his bag but was too shy to get it, and I handed him a bag. I still couldn't find my pink candy.

2.19.03

I woke up exhausted and I have a throbbing headache.

I dreamed I was sitting in class next to my son's friend. I had a feeling that my son was somewhere in class to the right. His friend Matt was to my left. He asked me a question (while the teacher was talking) and I asked, "What?" a little too loudly. He looked startled. I saw his mouth moving but couldn't tell what he was saying. I was thinking it had been a long time since I had to read lips, and I was pretty rusty at it. I said something to Matthew and he got up and moved two seats in front of me. Oh, well, I guess I impressed him.

We were taking some test that was like a career determination thing... we had to narrow our answers down to one thing. If we didn't, we had to fiddle with the answers until we got JUST one thing. Mine was two things, which I had anticipated, but I wasn't too worried. I'd known that all along. No big deal. And besides, are parents really supposed to worry about this?

So we're in the auditorium, and they're handing out grades. I see parents get up to get theirs. They go through every grade from 4th through 8th, and I don't get a grade. They ignore me. I'm wondering why... or how... if I did average on all of the work through the year... and average on the test... how is it that I didn't get a grade? Mom was there, yelling at me about what a failure I was... how I must have done *something* wrong to screw up, and how I was always messing up my opportunities that were handed to me on a silver platter. I was embarrassed and crying. I knew it wasn't true. There was a mistake, but nobody believed me. They assumed I had failed beyond failed.

Everyone else had red folders and another card, and as they boarded the bus, they took parts of a ticket and gave it to the driver. I had nothing to give him, so I went around him and got on anyway... since I'd never worried about paying before.

In another part was one of my high school crushes... the guy who asked me out but I turned him down because it was after he'd been out with everything else... and he was telling me that I'd always amazed him. He looked incredibly shy as he looked up at me from his reading. I told him that he amazed me, too. Aside from this sharing of mutual attraction, nothing else really happened. [*Edited/added later: I remember talking to him for a while, and his mouth was moving but I couldn't make out what he was saying. It seems like this part came before the first part... where I was talking to my son's friend.]

Next day, in class. I'm asking why I didn't get a grade, and the teacher decides to discreetly take me out of class. She tells me that I didn't narrow down my career choice to one, and I vaguely remembered that being true. Yes, I liked writing AND art. So that was it? That's why she embarrassed me in front of everyone and had my mother yelling at me? I was gritting my teeth as I told her that she'd make a STUPID mistake, and told her what her "discretion" over such a little thing had led to... people assuming the worst about me. I was really angry. So she gave me two Crash Bandiccot PS2 games and a writing pad.

I remember being back on the bus with several packages, including the brown paper bag, stapled, holding my two Crash Bandicoot games.

The Orc was buying some trees. He'd had 5 acres, and now he was going to have 13. All he did was talk about buying those trees... which actually meant land. I rode out there once. Yep, lots of trees. I love trees as much as the next guy, and I'm a real nature freak, but even I knew that to Orc, it wasn't about nature. It was about ownership, and he would be the one to know all about that. [In that same part, I saw 4 t.v.s... two were smaller, stacked on top of each other and suspended from the ceiling of what might have been a moving vehicle --bus? RV? Camper?-- and there was a larger one --19"-- next to those, and one about the same size across from it so you could walk between them. One of the smaller tvs had a melted screen, a bubble in the middle.]

So the insurance guy calls. [*The insurance guy may have resembled someone I saw at work or on t.v. He was about 190-200 pounds, black, and had a mustache.] They don't want to pay the claim (and they want the Crash Bandicoot games back). I'm thinking this is a stupid cruel joke because that lady gave me those games fair and square, and I hand up the phone on him. He calls back, and the Orc gives him our address and makes an appointment for him to come Friday. He drives up in a few minutes. He said that it was fraud, and he'd here to prove that I lied. That some one in a poetry room on the net sent me a two word-five line poem, and somehow once he proved it, it would all point to the fact that I was a fraud. I was angry. He walked around asking where things came from and how much they'd cost. He couldn't believe we'd have a china cabinet and no china. He asked where we had it hidden. Finally, I told him the story about how my mother had yelled at me because of what the school did, and he understood. The games were mine. Of course... I had an extra. For some reason, I had three games. I meant to give him one back. I left it on the bed. I took the others with me.

I was in a restaurant that use to be Jimmy Buffets and a bowling alley combined. I looked all over for a bowling alley. The halls were like dirt roads that rambled off and turned and twisted and circled around. It was a maze. There were trees and tunnels that I felt I should remember but didn't. Then I realized... Jimmy's restaurant was now the very chic Italian Bilboa's, and they didn't do bowling alleys. I could look all I wanted, but I'd never find it. I did stumble into the basement where I found they'd repapered the old "den" where the band use to play. Some guy appeared behind me and laughed. "Wow, want me to mix up some drinks?" There was no bar. I left.

After some time, I found two of my Indian friends and another friend. I was telling the story of how I got the games over and over and over. I was exhausted. We were sitting at a table with white linen tablecloths. Later two of my other friends went by. THat's about all I remember...

2.15.03

Lately I have dreamed, but I've dreamed so much that I can't sort things out.

Like... most of what I remember about last night was being in this building that was actually a health club or something, but I wanted to have it for a house. I was walking through it, looking at the deep blue and green tile and thinking what a cool bathroom... and looking at all of the big rooms... I had on a long cinderella type dress, pale blue, and I *never* wear blue because I look sick and pathetic in blue, even though I love the color. I was going down some stairs when the water began to gush in, rushing around me. The area that I had just walked down was now slick like a slide and I had to crawl up on my knees. I was terrified. I may not have said so before here, but water is a fear in all of my dreams. I feel so lost and crushed and isolated... it's a terrible feeling when I see water in a dream. Especially when it's flooding and not staying within its boundaries... like bathtubs overflowing.... that kind of thing. Or when the road runs out and it's the middle of nowhere with no road. That is worse than high places. So now, the building was flooding with water from some unknown source, and I was struggling to get up this slick incline and couldn't move because I had this heavy dress wrapped around me. I was getting wet and I couldn't even crawl properly. I screamed but I knew no one would hear me over the water. So I screamed and screamed again. A man was there and he stood watching me struggle up the incline. He didn't help. Finally, I pulled myself up all the way. When I past him, I reached out and slapped him for not helping me. I was furious. Then I was in a school. One of the most prestigious high schools in this area. I've been to academic competitions and we lost to these kids after the third round. I was overwhelmed by what they knew. So I'm running through the school, thrilled because my kids will be going there but I have no idea how we'll afford it. It costs more than college. We spend part of the time arguing with a mean teacher, and part of the time looking for the kids' clothes. They are wet. Water, again. Then I am in a car, with a guy friend, and we're driving on a very narrow steep incline. I've been on roads that were steep when I had my firebird, and the nose of the hood was so long, I could not see over it. This was a lot like that. My friend parked the car for a moment, and we could see water all around us. But it was soothing water. A desireable view. On either side was a restaurant. And then, on the left and the right, and partially viewable in front of us, was the water. "Where are we?" I asked my friend. "Don't you know?" He pointed to a corvette, like any idiot could put it together. I knew this is where he had wanted to bring or had brought a girl on a date. It wasn't just the two of us, and we were just friends (it was another girl), and I don't know why he took us there. Later, I was running, hard... across a field towards a gate. I passed these really nice houses... and then I wasn't running, I was in a car, with my mom and dad driving, and we were driving down the street... and I knew that I wanted one of those houses. I was looking at the small ones and the big ones and wondering just which one was the right one. 2.5.03

So I was dreaming that I was fighting with an orc, in the kitchen with people walking around and not even noticing that I was fighting for my life. He was blue and green and slimy just like in the movie. He wanted to kill me. I was trying to drive a small gold skeleton key into his chest. It punctured the skin and sank in, leaving a hole. He growled at me, but wasn't harmed. Then he was gone, yet I was still fighting him, still angry, enraged, and struggling for my life. I pushed against a glass and made a hole in it.

A small, tiny, neat hole.

2.3.03

I don't remember much about last night, but I do remember mom telling me how she had set all of the spirits free... like she'd done this for us, and we were supposed to do something with them... like how would I know?

Frankly, I don't know what she meant. There's something else, but it's memory is just a mirage. Disappears when I'm almost upon it.

2.1.03

I was standing in a line with my mom and sister when a strange man brushed by and touched me. I don't remember how he touched me, but only that it wasn't by mistake or careless. It was with intention. I looked down at his hand and up at him, who actually seemed indifferent to me. I said, "Don't touch me." There was no hate or resentment. My voice was actually flat, monotone, without emotion. My mom and sister seemed... confused... that I would say something like this. I just remember glimpsing their faces, and feeling that there was an explanation necessary, I said, "I don't like to be touched." Deep down, I knew it wasn't entirely true, but what was going on in my mind, all of my memories, all of the exceptions, wasn't part of what was happening here... The voice didn't seem to be a real part of me... but it took over, and even though it wasn't entirely true, I felt that the voice was right.

1.24.03

Okay... it's going to take me a moment to piece it all together...

I was in a facility where monkeys were used to serve people. They wore ornate costumes. I had cut all of my hair off (what was I thinking?) and I was in the restroom looking in the mirror. The monkey came in and told me that I was going to be miserable... he was telling me how horrible my life was going to be. After he left, I asked someone else if they believed everything that the monkeys said. They said no.

Then, Mom and I were walking towards the city, and we'd had to abandon the car way back because there were just too many people in the road to actually drive. Some of them were very very tiny people, some 6 inches tall, some even smaller. They walked in lines that curved and twisted through the crowd on the road. They wore robes in different shades, depending on where they came from. The road was a combination of rutted dirt roads and wooden bridges. I don't remember where we were going or what we expected to find there...

1.22.03

In part of the dream, I felt like I played a "character", not myself. I wasn't really happy because we were all paired up with our own vampire, and frankly, I felt a bit threatened. I mean, it's like pairing up herbavores and carnivores, right? Happy happy happy. But it was the job, and I was supposed to do it. Nah-uh. Not me. This was like one of those STUPID plots in a cheap horror film, and I'm not dumb enough to fall for that one, so I left.

The cars fenced me in. I couldn't get away, and they said I had to go to jail because I'd been stopped too many times. My solution: quit stopping me. But no... I said, can I go by the house? They said, Only for a minute, then you have to go to jail.

When we got to my house, it was late, and I suggested they let me stay home and sleep for the night. The policeman agreed. So I was going to stay in two rooms, and use one bathroom. Then I realized that I had to go outside to get to that bathroom. Jeez, like I could escape or something?!? But I knew I wasn't going to. I knew once these people figured out that I hadn't done anything wrong, I'd be fine... I just wanted a good night's sleep.

1.17.03

Bad Dream Last Night...

I was in an argument with a family member all through the dream... then I was looking at the little dog walking around and realized it was not MY dog. My dog is a pom... this was a pickapoo. I asked where my dog was, but the answers were muffled... everyone was talking all at once, and I couldn't hear. I thought my dog would be back later. Then, he tells me that the dog is dead. That he shot her. I was furious... I had paid $200 for that dog, (because his dog got run over) and he's complained about her ever since I got her. But she loves me, and she favors me, and she walks at my feet wherever I go... And now I find out that he took her out to a deserted old house and shot her. "Well, she was sick," he said. "Why didn't you take her to the vet?!" I demanded. "She was throwing up blood," he said. "You didn't have to SHOOT her!" I was furious and crying... Then I heard him say that at least now she (the dog) was with my daughter... my mind reeled... I HAVE a daughter, what is he talking about?! I saw a flash in my mind of my daughter on the ground appearing to be dead... then getting back up... she was okay... so why does he think she's dead? My head was hurting... Was there something I couldn't remember? I grabbed the sides of my head, wondering if I had somehow started going mad years and years ago...

Then my cousin pulled me aside, put her arms around me, and whispered in her calm, feminine voice... "Here's what you do... you take him out to the woods... and you shoot him..."

1.16.03

NBL... I had dreamed I was running across a field when a small round monkey attached itself to my toe. I thought it was going to suck my toe right off...

Last night... I dreamed John Travolta was a former member of Van Halen, and he and David Lee had gotten together for a reunion show.

1.14.03

I can't remember when I dreamed this... sometimes images just come back to me from my dreams and I don't know if I dreamed it last night or the night before or when...

but there was a girl... with only large breast in the center of her chest. It was so huge... she had to walk around with her arms wrapped beneath it, cradling it.

She was just like a side character in the dream, but someone who caught your attention.

1.13.03

I got my telekinesis working again last night. Only (okay about to give something personal away) I was mad at my spouse because he was trying to figure it out... he kept getting in the way because he was so sure he could do it. I was irritated. It's not that I'm competitive (not like I was in school), but I don't like people who try to do everything I do, like to prove that I'm not so special and laugh at me, like, "Haha, she thinks she special, but even *I* can do that!"

I was moving little stuff, pencils, pages in the phonebook... it was fun. This time I wasn't lucid, though, or I'd have moved heavier things.

1.10.03

I can't remember the whole thing, and I know this is really vague... but the last two nights my dreams have been centered around my family... my mom and siblings. I was in mom's house (though it never looks like my mom's house) and I saw a door that had a chair propped against it, keeping something in there. I thought this was really odd and opened the door. My cousin was lying there, staring. I felt pity for her. She wasn't upset or crying, but something had broken inside of her. I asked her if she wanted to hold my dog. She began squeezing the dog. I told her not to treat it like that because the dog couldn't breathe. I knew she had hurt her own dog. But I wanted so much to make her better. I left her there with the dog... When I came back, I asked where the dog was. She pointed to the bathtub. It was lifeless, flat, squashed... My cousin was silent, staring, not feeling anything.

I didn't get upset. The dog in the dream was not my real dog, but a dream substitute, like the house. I couldn't remember the sense of attachment. I was disturbed but not upset.. and really worried about my cousin.

1.7.03

Stuck in a room

Nightmares this morning...

I can't remember the beginning, but I kept hearing people outside of my room where I was sleeping. I think I heard the dog scratching... I opened my eyes and saw a shadow go running across the room and pass through the closed door. I heard voices outside, and I saw children standing by a tree (lemon tree? It had large leaves.) I shook the tree and told them to be quiet. Then I realized I was outside... wearing only my tshirt and underwear, and I said, how did I get here? They said, Maybe you flew. I took their hands... one on either side, and we rose up in the air and began to fly. They'd never flown before. I flew them really fast, taking sharp turns that made them feel like they were on a roller coaster. Below us were the buildings, and then we were up above the swimming pools and fountains. I noticed that the sites we saw kept replaying, like a tape. I knew it wasn't real. I stared at them, saw the same ones flickering over and over.

I was back in my room asleep. My bed was trembling. I heard things moving around the room. I heard the front door squeak loudly, and got up and walked to the bedroom door. It wouldn't open. Then I realized that every bit of furniture in the room was stacked against the door to my room, some levitating at odd angles. A yard stick was perpendicular against the door, about chest high, the short side touching. I looked around and realized it wasn't my room anymore and I couldn't figure out how to get out.

I found someone and she told me that it was the most haunted room in the house... I didn't want to be in there. The room felt alive.

Finally the last time I heard the scratching, I went to the door and opened it. There was a black shadow at the door, and a slightly glowing white, somewhat blurry, rotten face peering at me. I couldn't move. I tried to will myself to move. I had managed to walk TO the door, but why couldn't I move now? I was frozen. When I broke out of my paralysis, I woke up.

1.5.03

Last night's dream was so long I doubt I'll remember all of it.

The beginning involved a long ordeal in which I played a part in the near capture of Hassan. He barely escaped, not just once but twice. I don't remember the details, but it was a game of cat-and-mouse for a while. Part of the time we felt like hostages, and part of the time we felt like we had captured him. I was anxious to finally get to work. I wanted to tell my best friend about it, but he was so busy, and we didn't get any time to talk.

At one part I was watching the these tall buildings swaying in the strong wind. One such building was only about a two-story house, and it leaned so far in the wind that I was beginning to wonder how it would ever right itself again. Finally it fell on its side, and just when I thought it would get back up, the house came to pieces... We were sitting in a large pasture on the edge of a hill, and I ran away from the house.

What was left was a large disaster site. At that point I realized that the "house" was a commune of sorts for the reservation, and all of these Indians were homeless. I found a plaque that talked about their pride and the horn that was a symbol of their pride and heritage, and I went out to the field to look for the horn. I found it, in pieces, and I was gathering all of the shards together, wondering if it'd ever be whole again.

The later part of the dream had something to do with an evil spirit... again, I don't remember everything, but we were in a battle of sorts... playing a game that he had forced me into, and I had to use my wits and powers to "win" and not become his next victim. He was using someone else as his host, and part of the time he was the spiteful host, and part of the time it was him, the scary evil dude. I remember something about cages... a set of small cages, and I was tried to trap him in one of them. And... another part was my usual fear of water overflowing. It was all very confusing...

1.4.03

Most of my dreams have been so personal lately that I can't even write about them. Pathetic ones involving friends... the kind that needs no pondering or interpretation.

But last night I was dreaming about watching a movie, and my dad and brothers were in it. Dad looked so young. And I was sitting with a group in a small store, and we were like judges on the movie... and one of the judges was a big dog.

12.31.02

Had a long dream in which my sister and I were spending the night in a mobile home in a lot of mobile homes for sale. I don't know why. Then it began to rain, and I could feel mist coming through the ceiling. I convinced her that we couldn't sleep there, and we moved to a better one. She was concerned about being caught, but I told her we were just going to sleep on the floor, and at least we'd be dry. Then we were in the car with Mom and Dad driving to Meridian. Dad was talking, and his voice kept going up and up in pitch, and suddenly he collapsed. Dad had been driving, but Mom was next to the driver's side door. I asked if she wanted me to take over, and she said yes, so I moved over to her side. Then I began scouting the road for blue H signs. We were almost to Meridian, so I kept going that way. We found a phone book, found a map, and decided we were a couple of streets too far, so we doubled back. I was still looking for the hospital when I woke up.

12.18.02

My car was surrounded by these boys when I stopped in a convenience store parking lot. I got to my car and in and locked okay, but then I realized they'd connected our cars by wide belts, and I couldn't escape. Later, there were helicopters dropping atomic bombs, and to replace people, they simply went back in time and "corrected" all of their mistakes. Like if they accidentally shot their own people. Some of the helicopters could be controlled telepathically, but I realized that they'd "listen" to anyone who knew how to do it. The guys who were chasing me could also apparate wherever they wanted, so I couldn't hide. Anyway... it was wild. In the end, we had explosions going off, and a giant bird had picked me up and was flying me away from the explosions, and we had to go warn everybody...

12.8.02
Red Snake

I could hear him rattle sometimes... and I remember seeing the tail, bright red... and he followed me around because I was wearing the red shoes.

11.29.02

Very strange collage of dreams, so I can't even begin to explain it all... I was in a fight with a fictional boyfriend. He did something that made me angry and when I blew up about it, he pulled a gun out and put it to my head. He was just jerking me around, and I don't think it was loaded, but my mind went a million places when that happened. I told him I didn't ever want to see him again. I got out of the car and walked across the yard. I was sleepy, and I lay down in the yard and pulled the astroturf up over me like a blanket. There was a tombstone next to me with the words (I'm not sure...) "Mon Gu" or "Mon Du" on it. I got up and went inside a house that wasn't mine, but I was sort of house-sitting for an elderly lady. Some other people came in, and I was telling the girl that I'd broken up with my boyfriend, gave him all of his books back, and I felt free of a lot of baggage. Then it was dark and snowing really hard outside, and I remember feeling the snow falling on my head.

11.23.02

Pink Squeaky Dolphin Head?

I was lost again, and my friend paged me with "HOME!". I tried to page back to ask them to call me, but my cell phone turned into a pink squeaky dolphin head. I found an arrow on it, thinking if I press this button, it’ll open the phone, and it unfolded into a large unmanageable piece of paper with complex instructions for a game. I didn’t know where I was, and an old brown van pulled up close to me when I stopped. I punched the gas to get away from the van. Then the road disappeared, and I was in a dead-end gravel parking lot in the middle of nowhere. I walked into this garage looking for a map. Someone showed up, thinking I was trying to steal something. I told him I was looking for a map and asked where I was. He told me where I was, but it didn't sound familiar. I didn’t know if it was north or south on the map. I knew I hadn’t driven very far from my original destination, so how did I get so lost? Other people were trying to help. They were digging through my bag looking for the map. They pulled out this thick chunk of paper, which I recognized as the architectural drawings from work. “Don’t touch that. If anything happens to that, my boss will kill me,” I said. I was still lost when I woke up.

11.10.02

We had a huge snow, and I can remember watching everything frost over. I was supposed to be traveling at the same time, and I really wanted to go up to the mountain to see how much snow got dumped up there. Then, I was riding along with one of my bosses, and he was showing me all these different places operated by the state. I remember looking out the window, and seeing layers of clouds, like out of an airplane, but on the clouds were all sorts of animals... some appeared to be sea "dinosaurs" swimming, and others were prehistoric turtles... then you had your normal animals... Then I was looking around at the sites he was showing me, and I was most interested in the butterfly area. The poor butterflies had to navigate through a complicated maze to get to the fields and fields of flowers, and some were lost before they got there. They weren't afraid of people, but they would huddle in a corner and cry for someone to come find them and lead the way. I tried to help several, but they didn't understand to follow me so I pretty much had to hold them all the way. If you let them just follow, they would end up flying in circles and higher up in the area where they were and not go straight ahead to the garden. I was afraid of hurting them, but carrying them seemed to be the only way. The dream was filled with intense colors... the fields of flowers were orange and pink, and the butterflies were pink, purple, blue, and orange. The maze we walked through became tight and red, with many 90 degree turns. No wonder the butterflies couldn't find the way...

[10/29/2002 3:21:32 PM] Even in dreams I'm a klutz

Dreamed I spilled Coke in some guy's shoe. I don't know the meaning of this one. I was really thirsty and trying to extract the pitcher of tea from the kitchen, which was also a classroom. I reached for the pitcher, knocked over a red plastic cup that held Coke, and there it went, right into his shoe. He was a teacher, and the last thing I remember is being down on my knees, mopping out his shoe.

[10/25/2002 10:35:15 AM]

Weird dreams for the past two nights... The night before began with dreaming about little skinny bendy dolls walking around. At first, it was just one, but when it became three, I realized I was dreaming and decided to practice my telekinesis again. Worked as usual! Then last night, I was in a friend's house when we noticed tiny ghosts moving about and realized they were ghosts of the toys that belonged to the children who had lived in the house before. We realized that her room was the children's room, and the toys would wander from there to the family room and back, maybe looking for their owners. I reached down to touch one and it shocked me and told me I was bad. Then a huge character appeared, one big enough to fill the door, and I ran and hid in the closet.

[10/22/2002 10:09:32 PM]

I looked out the window, and there in the barn across the street was a white pegasus with long feathery wings and a pink main decorated with many tiny braids. The wing unfolded and stretched, and the pegasus slowly lowered its wing again as it ate hay inside the barn.

[10/20/2002 12:28:34 PM] The Gift

I dreamed I had new skin... a new body that was a gift from my father. I was totally amazed as I looked at the moist skin on my arms, glistening, and the white rounded fingernails... I ran my hands through my hair, thinner, lighter, soft like baby hair... I looked in the mirror and saw the fine short hair framing my face, very striking... and as I ran my hands through it, it fluffed out to my length and fullness. I ran my hands over my skin, feeling the newness of it...totally amazing! No one would recognize me, but I was still me!

[10/11/2002 5:06:29 PM]

Another strange dream about kittens and parrots. I don't understand this... I've dreamed about it before... looking for a cage to put the bird in. In the previous dream, the cat and bird were both sick. In this one, they were fine, except one of the kittens was green. I was looking through the closet for the right cage.

[10/7/2002 6:52:55 PM]

I dreamed my father-in-law stopped by to tell me that my spouse had agreed to sign the papers. He leaned close to me to tell me in a very low voice, and then he smiled and told me how nice I looked. He was creeping me out again. I excused myself and went into the bedroom, subtly locking the door behind me. I stared at the door as he tried the knob, and then he came around to the other door, and I ran for the bathroom. I was screaming when he grabbed me.

In another dream, I became lucid, and at school, I realized I was half-dressed. Then, just for kicks, since I knew I was dreaming anyway, I decided to take it all off. So I peeled off my shirt and bra and was walking through the halls at school. Strangely, very few noticed. Two girls looked towards me like I'd lost my mind, and I just smiled and kept on walking. I don't know why I dreamed this. A friend and I were laughing about it because I'm not the exhibitionist type.

[10/5/2002 10:19:48 PM]

So many things happened... at one point I was arguing with my friend... maybe talks weren't going well and he was being passive, acting like I was to blame when in reality he was afraid my presence would jeopardize his new relationship. I was so enraged that I began to scream and shout in his face, and then I left. I remember leaving with my friend's husband, not that anything was going on between us, but just as friends, and he was like an island in the chaos I was feeling now. But I remember thinking there was something really weird about his nose, almost alien, and I knew I needed to remember all of this because it was totally weird. Now that I'm awake, I don't remember the weirdest parts. We got into a car with some other people, and I remember we were going to a party. We walked into a room, and they herded us into a dark, smaller room. I didn't know where I was, and then I felt everything fall, and I knew I was traveling downward, fast, into the earth. Then the light came, and I saw that we weren't traveling downward at all, but we were in a small space shuttle that had been coverted into a car. I remember running from someone on bikes and motorcycles. They were chasing us, we were running for our lives, racing around the block on bicycles. I remember having the power again to jump huge distances when I needed to. I woke up and lay awake for hours, waiting for sleep to come just before dawn.

[10/4/2002 3:25:48 PM]

In the dream we were sitting on the floor against the wall and talking about all the things we wanted that would never happen. We were trying to be affectionate while being very stealth, sitting there in front of everyone walking by. I was wrapped in just a towel that kept dropping down, and I don't remember what he wore, if anything. "Do you think anyone notices?" he asked. I certainly hoped not.

I felt like he was there to tell me why, to tell me what he wanted, to say all the things that got messed up during the day, to restore what I felt I'd lost. Our time was bitter-sweet and always left a hole. I can see him talking to me, trying to make things right, and I felt my insecurities rest for a while, as if he'd actually been there.

[10/2/2002 9:30:16 AM]

I dreamed I was back at my aunt's house, and she didn't know who I was. Mom sent me to get something to eat, so my own aunt was trying to sell me food until I told her who I was. Their living room was full of new cheap furniture in bad patterns. I haven't seen these people in years, and I don't like going back there. Then I was looking at my email, and there were several bearing the subject header, "I can't see you anymore." The rest of the dream is shrouded in amnesia. Something about gates.

[9/29/2002 9:02:14 PM]

First, the good news...
I dreamed about Catherine Zeta Jones last night.
The bad news...
I dreamed she was trying to kill me.
:/

[9/22/2002 2:30:11 PM]
Unraveled

I've dreamed, but frankly they've disturbed me. You know those dreams that are so shocking that you don't want to tell anybody? I hate those. Though, last night, I did have a dream where I was on a field trip and the cashier at the acme fast food restaurant got mad because I didn't know what I wanted. We were supposed to have stopped at burger king, but the teachers had changed their mind, and so here we were at acme, and I didn't know what I wanted that acme had to offer. Nothing on the menu seemed really good. The cashier was harrassing me that I needed to go ahead and order. I knew they were open for lunch for another hour or two, so what was the deal? I ended up yelling at him, and everyone in the place got really quiet. I was yelling at him to stop treating me like a child. A little repressed hostility in my life? I didn't think it was that repressed. Thought I'd made it pretty clear.

9/20/2002 7:32:44 PM]

I dreamed that I was shopping again last night and found these old coins for a great price in an antique shop (the whole box of stuff was $15, and there were some objects in it worth $100, and when I unwrapped each coin, valuable gifts would be inside that were much larger than the coin. Only the old ones worked. Sometimes they'd show me entire rooms of gifts. I was transported to other countries and witnessed their customs. There was amethyst and green quartz crystals as tall as I was... there were glass dolls trimmed with pearls and jewels. Before that I dreamed that Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles came to visit (or was I there?) I don't know...

Then I had to get up and get dressed. I overslept. It was raining. That was nice. The sun came out. Sun. Bad. Tonight it's raining again. Rain good. It suits my mood.

[9/16/2002 4:45:38 PM]

I looked towards the house and saw the bats swooping in. We'd left several of the windows open. I ran towards to the house, and we closed as many windows as we had time to close. My room was full of bats. Then I was looking at three owls, a large fat rat spotted black and white and possessing a long pink snakelike tail, and 2 tiny light colored mice wearing clothes. I didn't like the mice. They were annoying and just ran around making trouble.

Then I woke up, and driving to work I passed an axe lying in the center of the road. A bit further on there was a drag queen. I couldn't help wondering if I was still dreaming...

[9/15/2002 9:01:11 AM]

I was walking down the street and took a wrong turn and got lost. I pulled my pager out of my purse and began to type in a note to my friend to say I was lost and try to give a general direction of where I was when someone began to follow me. I knew I hadn't finished the page yet, but I didn't have time. I was in a quiet area that wasn't known for being safe, and I began to run. I don't remember if he got me or was just really close. Then a white car with two young guys in it began to slow down, watching me. I dropped down to hide and the car continued to move slowly as they watched me. I screamed as loudly as I could, and they left. Finally, another man was after me, and I was on a long pier that stretched over water and led back to where I belonged. I tried to run, and though I told my muscles to move, I felt frozen, terrified. The man behind me was taunting me and coming closer. Frozen inside muscle and bone, I was running as fast as I could and not getting anywhere. Again, I don't remember if he raped me. I know I never made it any further down the pier. After that, the dream involved Spongebob Squarepants, and let me just say, it wasn't the same Spongebob we all know. In the end, I was wandering around a desert area. I walked outside a safe building to see a deer and take pictures, and I looked to my left and saw a giant cat, maybe a mountain lion. I was taking pictures with my cellphone. I walked away from the building and came upon a male lion who seemed to be watching me. I tried hard not to run because I knew that cats like to play games, and running would just make me look more attractive. So I walked slowly. There was a boy behind me with a bag of potato chips, and the lion began to talk to him, telling the boy to give him the chips. The place I was walking became steeper and steeper until it turned into a wall, straight up. I feel frozen again, but I worked to grab hold of the plastic that lined the wall, and finally, I was at the top. I did momentarily worry about the boy, but I knew if he gave up the potato chips, he'd have time to get away while the lion was eating. If he didn't give up the chips, then... bad decision. The other side was a straight drop down... but I calculated... lion here... drop there.

So I let myself fall over the edge. That's all I remember.

[9/14/2002 11:39:01 AM]

I dreamed I met a guy who was extremely attracted to me. He was cute and fun, and everything was going great until I discovered that he only wanted to rescue me from myself... he wasn't planning to stick around. I was enraged that anyone would be so arrogant.

[9/13/2002 10:59:26 AM]

I was living at home with Mom and my siblings again. My sister and I had to share a bed, and the headboard was dark brown twigs and tiny carved roses, looking like brown roses on a rosebush in winter. Later, I wanted to escape from a window, and I looked outside and saw a boy/man flying on a broom. I waved at him, and he came to me. He was wearing an Ivy League blazer. He was tall, about medium build, and had strawberry blonde hair and glasses. I climbed onto his broom, and another girl, a dark brunette, climbed on behind me. We flew around, through and over the trees, until he said he had to go. He let us off down on a shady street lined with nice houses and flew away.

[9/8/2002 11:15:13 AM]

Okay, this was a little weird, but I dreamed I could shapeshift into a flying squirrel as opposed to something really cool like a werewolf. I was locked into a room, but I figured out a way to get out, and I found my way (as a human) around the fence. The fence was really tall and used razorwire, but with my "flying" capabilities, I was able to jump for a tree and get over it. I was running/flying in the treetops at a dizzying speed. The hands that reached out before me to grab a branch were human, but I had the confidence of a squirrel. I reached for the thinnest branches, limbs that would not have supported my human weight, and I "flew" across the treetops. There were also a lot of water elements in my dream. A ship... and view through the window to the ocean. It was absolutely beautiful.

[9/5/2002 10:01:43 PM]
Beetle nightmare

I dreamed the insurance lady got tired of paying to fix my car, so she bought me a new one. I was a little upset to walk out to my car and find the hood crushed in because another New Beetle was sitting on top of it. Well, naturally, she probably wouldn't fix my hood now that she'd bought me another car, but I didn't really want a PINK one! It had a ruffle coming out from under the back window, hanging outside. Looked like a baby carriage. Horrible horrible.

[9/2/2002 10:04:05 AM]
Dream Shopping

I dreamed we went shopping. First I was looking through a lot of plants and seed before I realized that one of the packages of seeds was over a thousand dollars. But I found a couple of packages for a decent price that my aunt would like. She chose some tiny eggplants and squash that were round and small. Then I was in a store with Mom and I found sketchbooks for sale. I was looking at one that was about 10 dollars that they had priced by the page. They had a price sticker on every page in descending consecutive order, in case all of the pages weren't there. I thought that was dumb, because not only did they ruin a corner of the page, but also what if someone pulled out a page in the middle... the price wouldn't be correct. Then I found a thick one just like I used in drawing class, and it was only eight-three cents. I picked up one and it was full, having been used by a very talented artist who had obviously used it as a travel art journal. I decided to buy it and a fresh one. Then I found a cup of small antique pieces, like a cast iron thimble that was porcelain coated, and a nickel that was really thick, but magnetized. There were tiny dolls, too, and when I left, for a very good price, I had tiny antique doll furniture.

[9/1/2002 1:20:38 PM]
Slept too Long

"I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart too
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you"
--"Slept So Long" by Jay Gordon
Queen of the Damned Soundtrack

Okay, it was one of those days when I woke up at 7:30 on a weekend and wondered why is it that I can sleep all day on a weekday. I made myself go back to sleep, and that's when things got weird. In the dream, I walked into the living room, and there were two strange men hanging around. I was going back to bed when I asked one of them, "Who are you?" The guy began to talk aobut how he'd died, due to an unexpected overdose or something, and how he'd only begun to experience "still love" when it happened. He shape shifted into the other guy, who began to tell his story. I was like, ok, I have two dead guys hanging out in my living room... I'm going back to bed now. Just to be safe, I'll be closing my door...

[8/31/2002 8:05:12 PM]

About two nights ago... I had found a case to use for my portfolio. Simple, I know, but hey, I was excited.

[8/29/2002 2:11:24 PM]

I woke up at 2 am with songs by Smokey Robinson going through my brain. Kind of hard to sleep with "Tears of a Clown" going through my head. I suppose, though, I should have been worried about the dream of the little fairies... smiling and telling me how certain chemicals were environmentally unsafe. He was about 50 years old and tiny and waving a wand...

I'm blaming the sushi.

[8/24/2002 12:45:15 PM]
Conspiracy Theory

Last night's dream was vague, but along with a few family members and a friend or two, we were piling into an SUV to run from the government who had gassed everyone, converting them from normal citizens to freak monsters, killing at the will of the government. They were all after us. We were loading the SUV with bare necessities (my sister knew I wouldn't remember and grabbed some clean underwear for me), when one of THEM, who appeared on the outside to be a sweet church-going lady, jumped into the driver's seat. You could see how dangerous she was just by looking at her eyes. We played along, coaxed her into letting someone else drive while she relaxed in the back, and then we went into a doughnut spin and shoved her out of the car and took off. She was kind of lumpy and getting her out of the car wasn't as smooth a move as we had anticipated. Even pets were affected, and there was something else about dyed pets. We found my uncle, who we thought was dead, and apparently he had somehow been shielded from the gas. The whole thing was kind of "Resident Evil".

[8/22/2002 2:15:47 PM]
Must have been the pizza...

I woke up at 4 am in a panic after having dreamed I'd forgotten to go to work. When I went back to sleep, things got even stranger. Several animals--dyed spotted red--showed up on my front porch. They seemed unafraid, and among them were several cats, a rabbit, and a small deer. Later, I was with a friend who wanted me to cut her hair (I don't know why--I have no talent in this area), so we were going to sneak into a salon, use their accessories, and fix her hair. I was to pretend I worked there. I didn't have all that much confidence in her plan. Once we walked in, a manager came through who obviously didn't know his employees very well and shoved an accounting book at us. My friend had no idea what it was and left me to deal with it. As I flipped the pages, they became artwork... like small elaborate banners with handpainting and tassels. I looked around and noticed that one of the girls had no lower abdomen or legs. Rather her body ended with a break in her spine. For whatever reason, she attacked me and tried to burn my face with a hot iron. I was screaming loud high-pitched screams that echoed throughout the building as I lay on my back on the floor and tried to hold her off. One of my closest friends came speeding into the driveway. Arriving just behind him were the police, followed by a midget. As if I were in two parts, I watched this outside and listened to my screaming inside the building.

Sunday, August 11, 2002
ABOUT LAST NIGHT

Last night I dreamed there was an explosion in the street near me, and when I went around to look, a car had blown up, killing several people. The bodies were intact, some only children, sitting there on the ground, their eyes open, stiff and staring straight ahead.

Saturday, August 10, 2002
Dreams and Freud

This dream took me back over 15 years to an ex-ex-boyfriend. In the dream, I was with this guy, and I have to stress here that he did nothing to "push my buttons" sexually. I was with him out of what you might call "morbid curiosity". We were in a church part of the time, and I was sitting on a pew watching a Christmas program. There was a Choir filled with old school buddies, and the cheerleaders were wearing red glittery jackets, silver scarves, and santa hats trimmed with white fluffy feathery stuff. The were all clapping and singing. It was a lot like the end of year awards scenes in Harry Potter, but with cheerleaders and annoying people in Choir robes instead. I was confused about what I felt. I wasn't sure how I felt about Christmas. I wasn't sure how I felt about anything. Later, I was in my ex-boyfriend's room, and taking off my clothes to lie on his bed. He was getting undressed, too, and I suddenly let out a deep "gasp". He looked at me, questioning, and I jumped up and began to dress, saying I can't cheat on my boyfriend! I said, "You don't know what all I've been through for him... I mean, I've been absolutely stupid for him, but I LOVE him! And I can't do this!!!" I was reaching in the closet, pulling on clothes and throwing my stuff together. Next thing, I was out the door.

8.6.02

The day I went to New Orleans, I was telling my friend what I dreamed the night before. My mother's house was haunted. I don't live with my mother, and the house she now lives in is not the one I grew up in, but I don't suppose that matters a bit considering houses in dreams are supposed to represent ourselves, and I've been hiding from my own ghosts for a very long time.

The house never really looks the same, but to give you a feeling of what it's like, I'll refer you to that Hell scene in "What Dreams May Come". Remember the groaning creaking sounds, as if the structure around them was straining under its own weight, ready to fall at any moment. That's what it's like. There are long hallways, longer than any house could possibly have, and always shadowy staircases. Sometimes there's a weedeater going in the background, and sometimes I hear growling. Not this time, though. This time, the entire second floor was closed off because I was afraid of what was up there. We'd lived in the house for a long time only using the bottom floor because I was afraid to ever go upstairs.

When my older brother finally gave me the courage to approach the stairs, I saw the ghosts drifting up and down in the current that flowed through the stairwell. On one level of the winding staircase, I saw something floating near the banister. It was a ghostly book. There's not too much scary about a book, but this wasn't really a book. It was a ghost of one, and the pictures on it were moving across the page, changing rapidly. When I first saw it, two doves fluttered their wings together before giving way to words of an ancient piece of music. I read as much of the contents of each page as I could as the images flickered and shifted. My brother asked me if there was a date on the page. I said, "Yes, 1751."

Later, I don't know what happened, but it got a little confusing when the religious guys showed up. I think we must have been invaded by an all-boys Catholic school or something, but anyway, nothing made sense after that.

Sunday night, I dreamed of snakes. I know... the typical "phallic" symbol, and you'd probably be right. *sigh* I was walking through my mom's house (I know this keeps coming up but I left home a really long time ago, and I swear I won't move back, so give it up, okay?! Still, in my dreams, guess where my subconscious lives?? With Mom!!! *groan* How's the irony there?) and there on a shelf, ignored, sleeping, wrapped in a coil was a snake. I was shocked. Look, there's a snake here and nobody has noticed it!!! The snake looked at me and stuck his neck out to bite me. I was backing into a corner and couldn't run. If I moved, I could only go sideways, and if I moved, he would bite me. There was no where to go. My sister approached the snake, and he ignored her. She could touch him and he didn't bite her. I stood frozen. Something important to mention here. There's something contained in snake-bite anti-venom kits that I'm allergic to. A little thing called horse serum that I had a reaction to when doing some random tests, probably when that dog bit me on the nose when I was little and (hmmm... maybe that's why my sunglasses don't sit exactly perfect on my nose... I hadn't thought of that) maybe they did a rabies test and found out I was allergic then, BECAUSE... the same thing is present in both snake bite antivenom and rabies vaccinations. Wouldntcha know? So there I am, allergic to snake bite antivenom kits, backed into a corner by a snake who has something personal against me. We stared at each other for a while, and, well, eventually he bit me. My arm began to swell, and I was thinking they should take me to the doc right away. No one offered to suck the poison out! No one offered to help me. Mom was kinda like, "Well, we've got all day," and I was beginning to wonder exactly HOW long before I would die. I can't tell you much more after that, but I don't think I actually died in that one. Lately, my endings have been somewhat anticlimatic.

Maybe that's how it is with the snake. He's bitten me already. I didn't die. I just got bored with being bitten after a while.